It’s one of those words that feels like a sentence. Depression. It’s one thing to feel momentarily depressed, for instance, the dog died, that guy didn’t answer your text, the chickens escaped. However, there is that deeper thing, that perpetual gray sky, that once named, can weigh heavy on a person. The symptoms are many. Irritability, apathy, an imbalanced appetite…. it seems like the thing can span every aspect of one’s life and wrap its sneaky tentacles around every last bit of light. Heaaaavy. So for some, it’s a relief to finally identify their experience. Yet for me, identifying with depression has usually felt uncomfortable. Still, I have been dealing with it since I was about 17 (I am 24). So what is it, this sly demon of a thing, how can it be defined? As well, what is my personal experience with it? And how am I learning to lift the sentence, and heal?
Defining depression is difficult, yet recognizing it is easy. According to the Public Health Agency of Canada, clinical depression is a mood disorder. It affects not only the mind, but the entire physical body. Basically, It is defined through various symptoms that often occur together. And it is regarded as a real illness that can be treated with medication. Though I have identified with many of these symptoms, I have never identified with the label itself. I see depression as kind of a cloud term which encompasses physical, emotional, mental and spiritual issues, issues that have accumulated which the person can no longer tolerate.
My experience with the thing many call depression is complex. Basically, I have slipped in and out of some very low states of being for many years. These low states are murky, disjointed places. They are swampy worlds I still occasionally visit, though for much shorter amounts of time and with much less intensity. They make thinking difficult, choices even more so, and real relationships, well, really really difficult. A quest for answers to my feelings and confusion took me on journeys from obscure bookstores to spiritual initiations in the Himalayan mountains, from the bottom of the Hawaiian sea to odd jobs and odder encounters. The turning point was when I ended up in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. It was a traumatic yet enlightening experience which helped me take my challenges more seriously while being a little less serious about myself.
Suddenly, near the end of last summer, I felt uplifted in a way I hadn’t for years. I attribute it to many things I had been working on for a while. I also attribute it to a shift in the planetary energetic field, a concept you may or may not relate with. Through many things, such as counseling, a low dose of medication, support from others, a lot of inner questioning, prayer (more on that later), creative exploration, and caring for my body, I came to what felt like a healthier place within myself. Of course, I still slip into similar lows from time to time, but I now feel more confident to create a happier disposition.
At the moment, you can say I am apressed. Though I feel a bit tired and irritable, (which could be the late night and the beer, an occasional thing) I am feeling generally happier. There are some focuses I have found that almost reliably improve my mood. Gratitude is one vital focus I have adopted and will hold on to for just about forever. When I focus on being grateful, and this isn’t always, my heart flips, and I feel a greater sense of acceptance for myself. While focusing on gratitude yesterday morning, I spent about 45 minutes jumping up and down and improv rhyming in my room. Which, if you don’t know me, is a good thing. Of course, I had also just made veggie juice, which is like my healthy version of Redbull. As I tell my sister, ‘it makes my cells shimmer’, and as I tell her after realizing how that sounds, ‘like a rainbow’.
Though there are many more factors I use to create health, I will write about only one more. It’s the simplest. It encompasses gratitude, it encompasses physical health, and it encompasses Valentine’s Day too. It is love. Self-love. I believe this is what it all comes down to. Loving oneself, not in a narcissistic way, but in a kind and respecting way. It is what I am learning to do through whatever means possible. Often this involves creativity, as at my core I believe I have an irrepressible creative spark. And as some very wise beings would say, love and creativity are one and the same.
Anyway, I realize this article is barely scraping the surface of ideas people spend their lives exploring. Therefore, I may be returning to some of these topics continuously over the next while. I say may, as you just never know. I will go with the flow. Until next Sunday, enjoy everything, and happy demon taming.
Erica
Blue Hawk Bridge 